Don`t worry, central Iowa, I`m gonna set these ladies straight. What do you mean there`s nothing to do, here? This whole place is about cool stuff to do! Right there along the river where they were playing basketball there`s a ton of stuff to do!
There`s the Riverwalk…where you can walk right up and down the river! When it`s, you know, finished in the next ten years. You can say you walked along the Des Moines in Des Moines!! You can`t say you walked along the Minneapolis in Minneapolis! Right? Did they even bother walking their precious little tootsies across the river to the Brenton Skating Plaza? That place is awesome! If you`re a midget or a child under the age of six, you`d think it was a full-size skating rink! You know, when it`s open.
They said they went out at 7 p.m. looking for something to do and couldn’t find anything! Where were they looking? Downtown? Of course there`s nothing to do at 7 p.m. downtown, we`ve got a skywalk system, dummies! You head in there at noon on a Wednesday and it is jumpin`, man, I`m tellin` you.
It`s like the main artery of the entire world of insurance. The dashing young playboys from Nationwide, the stern yet sexy schoolmarm types from ING, and the ‘Hell-Yes-I`m-Rockin`-the-Slim-Fit-Don-Draper-Suit-from-the-new Spring-Line-at-Men`s Warehouse’ guys from Principal. It`s hot.
Did you even try stopping by Principal Park? Don`t give me the ‘It`s Not Open, Yet’ line, did you try? It`s the home of the Iowa Cubs…the number one feeder club to the 1945 National League Champions.
Did you try Scooping the Loop? Tell me that`s not young and hip! It`s wild, you should see it…the teenagers drive down one street, turn around, and then drive down another one. On Grand Avenue, get this, legend has it if you drive no more than 22 miles an hour, you can make it through every light.
You didn’t exactly sound too impressed when you brought up ‘farms’…well let me tell you something: Iowa feeds the world, ladies. We make like 90% of the high fructose corn syrup that`s in everything from orange soda to Twinkies to Razzamatazz Berry Bubblicious. Without that stuff, the world would starve!
Cows, you said? You can`t see any cows anywhere! Not from downtown, anyway, unless you`re in one of the tall buildings. But yeah, we`ve got cows…and pigs and turkeys. You probably didn`t see them because they`re in confinement buildings. But the next time you bite into a hot dog or a turkey dog or a bacon and turkey jerky dog, you can say, ‘I`ve been to the place where this came from.’
I can`t believe you didn`t find something to do here! You just didn`t get around! We`re well known for our public transportation system. The DART buses run from downtown to our six suburbs. They run into West Des Moines, where there`s a TJ Maxx. They run into Clive, where there`s a Hooters. The DART buses run into Johnston and Urbandale and Windsor Heights, and every now and then they run into a person who`s trying to cross the street.
In all seriousness, Des Moines is about its people, and we`re regular people who put our jean shorts on one leg at a time. Just like everybody else…back in 1993. We`re really happy to have Baylor and Tennessee and their fine and dedicated fans here with us, and we hope you leave with fond memories. Maybe they`re watching right now! Hey Baylor, hey Tennessee! What`s that? You`re wondering why all the restaurants are closed so early? Don`t worry, the Hy-Vee Deli is open 24 hours and they`ve got everything…by the way, the cheeseburger casserole is awesome.
I`m Andy Fales, and that`s What`s Bugging Me.