Keith, last week, we heard several women`s basketball players make blasphemous claims that there was nothing to do here in Des Moines. Now, I did all in my power to defend the honor of our fine city and state, but I heard from a number of people who claimed that I left a bunch of stuff out. They said that I could have and should have really let `em have it. Well, please except my apology and allow me to continue to list off all of the great things about this place we call home.
It`s called ‘Des Moines’…both ‘s`s’ are silent. When you mispronounce the name of city, you sound dumb…like those people over in Maddrid, Spain. But back to Des Moines and what a fun city this is, ‘Des Moines’ is French for ‘the monks’…and if there`s one group of people that knows its way around a good time, it`s an uber-religious group of celibate men who dress like obi-wan kenobi and sing Gregorian chants by candlelight.
We`ve got it all, here. Huge sporting events? How `bout the drake relays. It`s the second-biggest track meet in the country, on that given weekend. Drake alumni come streaming in from out of town and flock to the thing they loved most about college: peggy`s. But down the street at the blue oval, the track and field is second to none: er, one…the Penn relays. That`s why Drake and Des Moines just landed the 2013 NCAA track and field championships! Those world class athletes are still talking about the experience they had here back at the 2008 championships, when they went over to the bird land neighborhood and filled sandbags after the flood broke the levee.
We`re known for our sports! We`ve got Iowa Hawkeye fans…proud supporters of a program that`s been to more rose bowls than the mighty Nebraska cornhuskers. This year, they`ll send several players to the NFL…and those players will have been tested, both on the field against the big ten`s best and off the field, for rhabdomyolisis.
The Iowa State Cyclones! We have so much confidence in them we`ll guarantee you right now that they`ve got a better shot at a big 12 championship than teams like Missouri or Texas A&M.
Entertainment options! We`ve got a ton of `em, ladies. Check out the Blank Park Zoo. They`ve got all sorts of wild animals like fox squirrels, cottontail rabbits, blue jays…I think at one time they had a whitetail deer.
I have to apologize for not being able to rattle off just an endless stream of great things about Des Moines…or heck, about the whole state of Iowa! We gave the world Herbert Hoover for gosh sakes! A president known for something truly great, the depression. And how about the amazing entertainers who were born here! They`ve made America laugh! Johnny Carson, Ashton Kutcher…congressman Steve King. Some of the greats!
Yeah, the livestock outnumber the people, but like I said last week, ‘we feed the world’. You see that pink slime stuff that`s been in the news? We make it right here. But we`d appreciate if you`d call it ‘lean, finely textured beef’, please. After all, it is eighty percent beef…and, we`ll know what the other 20% is when the results come back from the lab.
I know you`ve headed back home by now, but we hope you`ll return to Iowa sometime soon. Maybe for a vacation! Des Moines is an easy place to get to! From the Des Moines international airport, there are non-stop flights from Cedar Rapids. And the Amtrak station is just an hour south! Down in Osceola…where you can make a stop at Terrible`s casino and strike it rich on all sorts of Vegas-style games like nickel slots, bingo, old maid, go fish, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey…give it a chance, will ya? That`s all we`re asking. I`m Andy Fales, and that`s what`s bugging me.