I know I`ve lived through heat waves worse than this during my childhood, but this is the worst one of my real adult life. Back in January, I was fantasizing about a heat wave like this, but now that I`ve been living in it for the last month, I`m wondering what was wrong with me in January. This isn`t fun hot, this is melt your shoes on the asphalt hot. My central air unit is so overworked, I`m worried it`s going to call OSHA on me. The yard I worked so hard on this spring went from green to yellow faster than a stoplight, I`ve got a geranium plant on my back deck that now looks like something left over from Hiroshima, and when the big blue garbage can gets a few of Elin`s ‘ripe diapers’ inside of it, one quick lift of the lid can just about evacuate the neighborhood.
Isn`t it funny what suddenly becomes acceptable in this kind of weather? Flip-flops in church? Fine. Shirtless in the Kum and Go? Fine. Stealing a napkin from The Cheesecake Factory so you`ll have something to wipe off your constantly recurring ‘sweat moustache?’ No problem whatsoever. It`s hot, man, and by hot I mean you can smell your own underwear. The perspiration spots on your shirt reveal every pit and crevice on your body and your socks feel like you`re standing in olive oil.
When you ask people whether they`d rather be really hot or really cold, most people pick really hot. But when you`re cold, all you have to do is bundle up, but when you`re hot, you`re stuck once you get down to bare skin. So would you rather sit near guy in a parka?
Or a really hairy guy?
I don`t know about you, but I`d rather have to see a guy in animal fur than his own fur.
It`s so hot that the streets are falling apart! Pavement`s caving in and buckling
Did you see the video of the guy who hit the buckle and went flying? The guy is texting or something and doesn`t see the signs… he pulls a General Lee over the broken pavement. That`s pretty cool, but what`s with the person shooting the video? Keep the shot going! Don`t bail out like wussy! You call 911 when the car comes to a stop…but finish the shot!
Keith, this 90-degree cold spell is going to be as welcome as a 50-degree heat wave in February. Maybe more so. But then we`ve got at least eight more weeks of hot stuff on the way, so keep clipping those Gold Bond Powder coupons. I`m Andy Fales, and that`s What`s Bugging Me.