Elliot: Welcome to the NPR Sports Cache, I’m Elliot Feinberg.
Paul: And I’m Paul Robin Pixner. King James was a very powerful man, but he was not a confident man. The King of England had a deep and dark secret. He had a receding hairline. This King James covered up with feathered hats. *This modern King James (lebron) covers up with headbands. In the 14th century, men with receding hairlines were believed to be pedophiles. In the 21st Century, men with receding hairlines are believed to be normal, if somewhat insecure and less desirable to flowered women of child-bearing age.
Elliot: America’s pastime of baseball is entering the second portion of the regular season schedule. Over the fortnight, several thousand inebriated, elitist on-lookers could only watch as their beloved Chicago Blue Stripe team were subjugated by repeated sticks on balls by the players of the so-called White Socks—a thinly veiled, racially-charged pejorative term likely dating back to the years where racial segregation existed even in footwear. Meanwhile, it was in New York where the Yankees fight for freedom ended at the hands of the Red Legs of Cincinnati—formerly owned by chain-smoking, Nazi sympathizing, leather-faced cretin, Marge Schott . The Reds did what the confederacy could not. They conquered the mighty Yanks, despite their pinstriped union rags. A pity.
Paul: Over in Los Angeles, the mysterious case of a slumping base-baller has finally been solved by a simple DNA test at Cedars Sinai Hospital. A man going by the name of Albert Pujols, who claimed he was 32 years of age, is actually 57-year-old, Miguel Dilone. The former Bear Cub retired from baseballing in 1985, after scoring 6 homeruns in his 11-year career. Dilone credits shaving his head, and growing a goatee for his youthful look.
Elliot: In the oil-rich yet social-equality-poor land of Saudi Arabia, women are not allowed to scratch were it itches. They also aren’t allowed to drive. The Saudi’s believe that if a woman gets behind the wheel of an automobile, it will be the end of virginity in the country. American Danica Patrick not only is allowed to drive a car, the drive-racer is allowed to wreck her car. Over, and over, and over. It’s unknown whether or not Ms. Patrick, daughter of Beverly Ann and Terry Jose, is still a virgin. She would like to be considered a serious athlete, and her masochictically-mysoginistic attire would suggest she’s well on her way.
Paul: We pause now for this week’s recreational moment from around the world: it takes us to the German state of Bavaria, where grown men measure self-worth by the size and strength of their very small appendages:
Elliot: Join us next week for a very special “All Things Considered”. Foot-soccer may be the most popular game on the planet, but there’s a new sport that’s taking the middle-east by storm. NPR foreign correspondent Murat Elhamri has a preview. Murat?
Elliot: Thanks Murat. We look forward to your report on the next NPR Sports Cache. Until, then, I’m Elliot Feinberg.
Paul: And I’m Paul Robin Picksner. We wish you a recreational fortnight, and hope that you fully enjoy the game of sports.